Lordy Lordy, Look Who's Going to Turn Forty!
I am about a month or so from my 40th birthday. A lot is going through my mind.
I am really excited about my birthday coming up. What I have planned is that Rich and I are going to New Orleans the day before my birthday and we take off for a week long cruise for the Caribbean. I am in the midst of planning a birthday dinner the Friday before we leave.
If you read the intro tag to my blog, I mention that the blog is about the adventures of a thirty-something single woman. Here's the tag to it:
Even more thoughts and musings of a 30 something first generation Pilipina American as she maneuvers through life and the City via her roadbike, her running shoes, her ambitious nature and stubborn yet loving heart while baking a nice humble pie for all depending on the season.
Well, the tag above is from the latest blog.
I am thinking to retire this blog once I hit forty. I've played around with the idea of starting a new blog, with a new tagline. I haven't really thought about it yet.
More later.
Follow Your Bliss
Lately, I have been literally engulfed in work. I am working on numerous cases, one case is literally working me to the ground because it's scheduled to go on trial a week before Christmas. I have been literally letting all the things that have given me solace and relief go to the wayside: swimming, being with my friends, going to Mass, etc.
This weekend so far has given me a chance to reclaim those things. Like Friday night, I met with my GirlfriendCircles Group for a dinner party hosted by Nancy, one of the women in the group. We had a great time talking, bonding, drinking, and just letting loose and being ourselves.
Yesterday was World AIDS Day. For those that know me, ending the AIDS pandemic has been a driving passion of mine since college. For pretty much my adult life, I have been doing something to bring awareness to folks about HIV and AIDS whether it is volunteering at an AIDS service organization or riding my bike from San Francisco to Los Angeles year after year on AIDS/ LifeCycle. To mark World AIDS Day, I spent a good part of the afternoon and evening at the Castro Theatre. There was an event for AIDS/LifeCycle in the afternoon. It was great catching up with friends and meeting new ones. There was a screening of a short documentary of AIDS/ LifeCycle which we got to see from the balcony seats of the theatre. Then we headed downstairs and got seats to watch a documentary called "How to Survive A Plague" that talked about AIDS activism during the early years of the AIDS pandemic and how ACT-UP got to rally and bring a voice to those affected by HIV and AIDS. It was a moving and powerful documentary. I had the chance to see with with Bob, one of my good ride friends. Before the movie, we dished about a lot of things, catching up on our lives and just being silly. Bob has been HIV positive for over 30 years. He has lost lots of friends and his long time partner to the disease. He has taught me a lot about living with AIDS, courage, New York stuff, bagels, the Jewish faith, and a bunch of odds and ends we talk about on our rides. He doesn't know this but if I do end up having a boy (no I'm not pregnant yet), I will name him after Bob because he means a lot to me.
I'm having a bout of insomnia right now after consuming a latte yesterday afternoon (bad idea). Watching that movie and spending time with my AIDS/ LifeCycle friends has got me thinking. What am I doing with my life? Am I making the most of it. I know fighting the AIDS pandemic is my passion. Right now, working in law is a means to an end. I am not finding any joy right now in the work I do. I wonder if I am really making a difference.
What is it? What drives me? I thought it would be the legal world but right now, it doesn't serve it for me. I get this feeling of being alive being with the AIDS LifeCycle community. I feel sad that I may lose it when I get pregnant and can't do the ride. I wonder what it is. I can't explain it but the pull of AIDS activism is calling me and I don't want to lose it. I'm afraid that work will get the best of me and suck out all the life I would devote to my activism. How do I keep that connected? What can I physically do?
Pals Forever
Last night I wasn't able to sleep until 1:30 am and I still had trouble sleeping. I ended up waking at some ungodly hour and wasn't able to go to sleep. Figuring that I was up, I decided to tool around Facebook on my iPad. I just happened to go onto an old childhood friend's Facebook page and I see something that took me by surprise. A post from one of her friends stating that my friend, my Pal has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
It hits home.
Last year, one of my AIDS/LifeCycle friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember it clearly. We were in the car on Day On The Ride in Marin and we were both volunteering for the event. I asked Diana how she was, commenting that I haven't seen her on our East Bay rides lately. She told me point blank, "I have breast cancer." I've only known Diana for several years now.
I sit here, in a cauldron of feelings. I wonder if I should find some opportune moment to go out to Iowa to be with Pal. She has young kids, three young boys and a loving husband. She really wanted to come to my wedding last year but couldn't. Part of me is comforted that she has a really good support network. Part of me feels like I am this outsider, some big city gal from the West Coast, wondering if I should intrude. I did leave Pal a private message on her page, letting her know that I am there for her.
All I can do right now is listen to The Cure and remember childhood memories of Pal. Pal and I met in kindergarden in Mrs. Gordoa's class at Cram School in East Highland, California. I remembered her pool parties in June when she had her birthday year after year. I remembered her coming over to my house for my birthdays and seeing this interesting integration between my non-Filipino friends and the children from Ma and Pop's friends in later birthday parties in McDonalds and Chuck E. Cheese. I remembered how we both wanted to be in the high school marching band in second grade after finding out they were going to Japan to compete. There are so many memories associated with Pal. Mostly elementary school since junior high for me was spent in Catholic school while Pal went to the local junior high then moved to Redlands and went to another junior high and wasn't around when I was able to attend 9th grade at the local junior high. We both made it to the high school marching band but never really hung out but knew that we were there for one another. I was focused on going to college and getting the bat out of the Inland Empire while Pal stayed around after college trying to get into nursing school. She finally did, but in Iowa. She had family out there so it wasn't a daunting trip for her. There she met her husband and liked the life out there. We managed to keep in touch. She even invited me to her wedding but I couldn't go due to finances.
I know I talk about Pal as if I lost her already. I struggle. Should I come back or stay my distance and keep my pristine memories of her and I intact? I see what Diana has gone through with breast cancer and chemo. How do I enter? How do I come back? What should I say? What next? What do I do? What can I do?
A big ass soupful of questions I drown in.
Summarizing the Year
Well, in a few days, 2011 will be over. My, what an eventful year this has been.
For starters, Rich and I got married! It will be eight months since we have been married. It seems like only yesterday, I was starting my job at Waters Kraus & Paul and getting the final details of the wedding together. I wouldn't trade married life for anything in the world right now.
I have to check to verify this but I ended up gaining weight this year. I managed to fit in my wedding dress (and Ma said I wouldn't!) which was what really mattered this year. I have been hovering around the same two to three pounds in what seems like forever. Just yesterday, the scale moved in the direction I wanted to go: down. It was only 0.2 lbs. A small victory I will take and savor. This has been my catalyst to get back on plan to lose the last 25 lbs that I need to get to goal!
I have to say that I survived nine weeks of boot camp. It was hard in the beginning but I stuck to it, only missing one session with Coach Katie. I had fun and I learned some exercises that I can incorporate when I go to the gym.
Here are my resolutions for the year:
1) Track what I eat on weekends. This is the part where I don't account for in my food journal. I figured that once I do track what I eat on Saturday and Sunday, I will be able to try to normalize my eating patterns. I do a good job here in the office. I want to carry that momentum to my weekends.
2) Run. I slowly want to get back to running again. I really want to do a 5k with Rich in the coming year. I have been going to physical therapy with Curtis for over a year now. My posture has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.
3) Push ups. Last month, I started doing the iPhone application of 100 push ups where in six weeks, you can end up doing 100 good form push ups. I stopped doing it after Thanksgiving. I am going to pick this up again in the new year.
4) Taking time for myself. I don't mean just doing the things that I do for myself now- going to the gym, going to centering prayer, etc. I want to do things in addition to those times I have for myself. Like for example, taking time to journal, taking the occasional bath and mud mask.
I'll leave this list for now. I wish you and yours a very happy and prosperous 2012!
Music Box
This Christmas, I want an iPod Classic. I just want to have my vast music library available to me whenever I want and the Classic seems to fit the bill. I have a Nano but it only holds a small amount of songs.
Next to books, I love music. I guess it comes from me growing up with piano lessons that later evolved to playing clarinet and alto saxophone. I have a lot of CDs of different genres of music. You name it, I have it. Well, some things I don't have.
With the advent of iTunes and MP3 downloads, I am able to put my library into a small compact space. I hardly buy CDs and I have discovered some new genres. Since my collection has grown so big, I had to have all my music in an external hard drive. I have yet to sit down and edit my music selections. Once upon a time, I would check out a lot of CDs from the library and upload them to my iTunes.
The power of music evokes strong memories. Usually a song I would hear would take me back to some point in my life. I wonder whether to buy these songs to relive these memories. Most are good, some are painful. I figured that the painful stuff is buried for a reason. Sometimes we do have to process those memories to get through life.
One of these days, I'll have to organize my music and set up playlists. Well that will all come in time.
Should the lost be found?
Three things triggered me to write about this topic. The first being was replacing all the items that were in my purse which was stolen a few weeks ago out of Rich's car. Second was wondering whether to invite people I used to be friends with but drifted apart to be part of my circle of Facebook friends. The third thing being should I download songs that I listened to while growing up onto my iTunes library.
I am happy to say that I got back some of the items I lost. The rest I had to replace: wallet, cell phone, iPad, various credit cards, my debit card, my driver's license. I just wished I wrote down the numbers that I would frequently call. I'm so used to just looking up on my smartphone the name of the person I wanted to talk to and just selecting that person without having to dial the actual number. I know that will be a process once I get my new iPhone.
I've been pondering whether to reconnect with people I was once friends with then drifted apart. One person that comes to mind is my friend Andrea. We met while both of us were living in Washington, D.C. 15 years ago. We were both away from our families located in Southern Cali and both of us were involved in politics. Well, Andrea wanted to break into the political world which I was a part of as a congressional staffer. Sadly, Andrea never got s chance to do so. She ended up working for Oracle. We always had fun together and had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen which reminded us of home. I was the first to leave Washington, D.C. in 1998 to go back to California. Andrea soon followed when she managed to land a position at Oracle's headquarters on the peninsula. I was already in the Bay Area when Andrea arrived. We managed to get together and have fun even though the get togethers were far and few between. I met her boyfriend who later became her husband, Albern. I remembered how happy they were together. We promised that we were going to be in each other's weddings and be godmothers to our children. We just drifted apart once Andrea was spending a lot of time with Albern. I never did get an invitation to her wedding. She ended up moving to Southern Cali with Albern and started s family. I know she is on Facebook but do I want to extend an invitation to be friends with her after so many years?
I was tooling around iTunes when I found a song that reminded me of one of my ex boyfriends. I thought for a moment whether to buy it or not. I chose not to since I didn't want to be reminded of him. I wonder about that with other songs. Songs that I grew up with and wondering whether to incorporate them in my life now. I still debate whether to revisit The Cure, The Smiths, Def Leppard, Depeche Mode, and other alternative and hard rock bands I listened to in my teenage years. Do I want to revisit the angst that I had back then?
Maybe some thing that are lost are better off lost. I have yet to sort whether or not to reconnect with Andrea or to buy memories of my youth on iTunes. I'll get back to you on that.
The Last Seven Weeks
A lot has happened since my last post. I finally decided that Bikram Yoga was not for me and quit going to the Funky Door Yoga in the beginning of August. I've been trying to find something to substitute and I've been going to the gym and doing my best to get up early and do the elliptical machine for 20 minutes, three times a week. I've also taken a Zumba class which is a challenge since I'm really not that coordinated. I've had some bike rides sprinkled here and there and in a month from now, AIDS/ LifeCycle 11 training season will have begun.
In terms of weight loss, I've been really diligent in tracking what I have been consuming. Even if I don't know the points values or better yet not want to know the points values, I write it down. So far, I've lost 2 of the 4 lbs I have set myself for my goal this month.
I am participating in a Weight Watchers challenge that I saw on the message boards. Each week, there is a weekly challenge and a weekend challenge. Usually the weekend challenge includes getting in activity points. It's easy for me to rack them up since I'm pretty active. It's just hard to find things to do. I signed up for boot camp which will happen next month for eight weeks. Let's see what happens with that.
I had a good talk with my friend Liza recently. It seems like when I talk to her, all the things that I have been thinking but too scared to vocalize come out. I not only give Liza insight but I give myself some insight and sometimes clarity on certain situations.
So overall, I have to say things are good in the hood.
