Cookie Binge
Today I binged on 4 Mrs. Fields Cookies.
I did it because I was bored
I did it because I felt inferior
I did it because I felt like I couldn't make it as a paralegal
I did it because I have never had a real career before and I'm scared
I did it because I felt like I wasn't ready
I did it because I was lonely
I did it because I wanted something comforting, something that reminds me of childhood, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies
I did it because I feel like sabotaging something doing so well because I felt like all the good things that I had in life, the rug was pulled out from under me
I didn't feel good about it. Like the time I binged on a box of Ghiradelli holiday chocolate squares.
I know that days like these, rainy and dreary, I feel my depression more so I need to make an effort to take care of myself even more. That's why I felt like binging on the cookies.
I know that the next meal is a clean slate and tomorrow is another day.
The Last Few Days
Have been pretty good. I have been going to the gym and eating right. I'm pretty much on track. Got my internship in order. Need to write up my letter of agreement for Eve to sign. Eve is my internship supervisor. I'll be excited to finally go out to the real world and work even if it is for no pay but the experience is key.
Now time for a nap.
Resoulutions
This year here are my goals:
1) to finally pay off that debt that I have in my credit record and clear it up. So far I need $500 more to pay it off. Halfway there.
2) Finally make Lifetime Membership by June 30, 2010. I want to keep it off and work hard at it.
The second one is a little bit harder than the first. I have so much shit to deal with. Scared of a lot of stuff and tracking food has been an eye opener. I like my journal since it has space for me to reflect on the week of what happened. I just don't want to resign myself to defeat but to really give it a good try.
I'm really scared that this whole thing in my life- losing weight, getting my certificate and launching my career, getting married- I feel like that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me or that I would be at a dead end again. I know that I should congratulate myself on some of my accomplishments- moving up north and sticking to my guns, finishing not only a marathon but four, doing the ride nine times, and completing college with a double major. I guess there's a part of me that feels like I don't deserve those things. But I do, I really do. I have to remind myself about them. That it's about persistence not perfection.
I know I will make it. I just have to really believe in it.
Chill
Tonight Rich went to some presentation with a fellow church member, leaving me alone tonight. I ended up finishing a book I have started to read and need to return to the library next week. I'm listening to the iPod Genius mixes of neo-soul that it collected.
It's funny that I have spent a lot of my time, no most of my time with Rich. There are few occasions where Rich isn't around- that's Sunday mornings where both of us go to our respective houses of worship, work (when Rich used to have a job) and when I have class or appointments or going to the gym (we go to different gyms).
I like spending my time with Rich don't get me wrong. But sometimes a gal needs her alone time. Her me time. The gym usually serves as this time.
I got my wedding veil just the other day in the mail. I'm getting my dress in April. We'll see what happens.
