Pula (Red)
dated August 10, 2005:
red
the color of stop signs, stop lights
do not enter
do not enter my world
my secrets
all the stuff
i don't want you to see me naked
Hwuagred
the color of luck
prosperity
brillance
in a cheongsam
toasting to a new life
as spouses for life
double happiness
Red
light special
steamy nights
lusty secrets
nasty thoughts
of being the freak
in between the sheets
while being that lady or man
walking the streets
Dollar dollar make ya hollar
Me love you long time
red
the color of construction paer valentines
with lace, glitter
held together with Elmer's glue
though not perfectly shaped
letters crooked and paper off center
it symbolizes
love
Editor's note: This is not the exact version I have in my journal. As I was transcribing this poem, I realized where it needed to be edited. Like all the other poems I have scribbled on this journal, it is a work in progress.
Base Line
at least two points
construct a line
that bisects space
into
two planes
black or white
in or out
positive or negative
visa or mastercard
red or blue
coke or pepsi
these lands
don't necessarily share views
in fact
they are polar opposites
yet we are conditioned
to pick a side
and stay in it
what if you are a product of those two sides
what if you are that line
that intersection
where do your alliances fall
pick me
pick me
oooo...oooo...oooooo...
you flail your arms and scream
each side wants your full and undivided
attention
i look at both worlds
scope out the elements
watching
listening
no word from me falls
so what set do you claim?
i look square in the eye
confident
powerful
i speak
i say
neither
because i walk the line
that border
with one foot in front of the other
head up high
looking forward
because that baseline is mine
i walk it
because your mine...i walk the line...
Tight Core O'Friendships
In some ways, I have been jealous of my younger brother Ed and a few folks in my life. I don't really have a gaggle of friends whom I've been friends with for years and years and years. It seems like there is one that I still keep that marks that era in my life. For example, I'm still friends with my friend Amy whom we have known each other since kindergarden. A few gaps here and there due to her settling into a life in Iowa and making home there and me trying to find home in the Beltway and for the time being, Northern California. Rachel marks my high school years. We were tight during that time until senior year when a guy that Rachel was dating came between our friendship (I didn't like the guy.). We grew apart yet got back together as friends years later and she's still someone I keep in contact with but I have to admit, not that well. Those two still know me from my years back in the Inland Empire days.
Honestly, I only have one friend from college that I keep in really good contact with, Alain. Though he is a few years younger than I am, he is one of my closest friends I do have. There are not many people that I would do a lot for them and Alain is one of those people in my life, one of my gems, that I do treasure a lot.
I look back at my college years. My first year at UC Irvine, I had my own thing to do, my own schedule, mostly dictated by classes and sorority duties. My roommate that year was a childhood friend whose mom and Ma were close friends from church. We and Nina, my rommate, had the same babysitter in our infant and toddler years but spent most of our formulative years in different coasts (Nina was an Air Force brat which meant she was shuffled from place to place to place). Nina and I befriended Marilyn who lived next door to us in our suite. She was from Fresno and I remembered Marilyn's mother being a little too boastful and big for her britches. Sunny and Brian came into the picture since these two guys were roommates. They did not know each other before. I do remember Brian walking on our floor to the our suite area and poking his head around, Sunny in tow, trying to make friends. I don't remember how Lynn came into the picture but she was in our three floor dorm complex and we were a gnarly bunch. The Funky Bunch. Yet, from day one of freshman orientation, I was out there trying to get a bid from a sorority which I did after a bit of effort. The rest got to know each other by hanging out, going to classes together and eating together and eventually going to Kaba meetings. I would join them on occasion when schedule permitted. It got to the point where Nina and Marilyn would crash in Sunny and Brian's room every so often after staying up late and studying and doing whatever they did. Lynn was there too to stave off the lonliness of missing her boyfriend. As the school year progressed, the Bunch got more involved in Kaba while I was juggling a full schedule and sisterhood duties. I have to tell you the truth, I wasn't all that intersted in getting involved with a bunch of other Filipino American students. In fact, a few club members called me "coconut" my first year, brown on the outside and white on the inside. Eventually, they were this tight mass of folks that at times I wished I would have developed my friendship more but I know that I was meant to do other things and be out there and not be tied down. Besides, if you were to look at the patterns of friendships in my life, the trend was that I would have one set of friends that was competely different from another set of friends and here I am, trying to see if the two would mix but me just intricately balancing myself between both sets. A parallel of me balancing my two identities- Filipino and American.
Rob suddenly got into the orbit of the Funky Bunch mostly beacuse of Kaba. He happened to help Nina with general chem homework and hung out with Brian and Sunny a lot. Once Rob and Nina got together, that was when Nina spent a good load of time with Brian and Sunny and Lynn and Marilyn at Sunny and Brian's end of the woods in their room. It was funny and somewhat convenient that Nina and I didn't have to really fight about room space. She and Rob had the room mostly to themselves. I was out and about doing some sorority activity, swimming laps at the campus pool or at the library studying with my sorority sisters. Rob recruited me last minute for a small part in PCN, Pilipino Cultural Night, and that in intself was my tie to the bunch. I was more loosely affiliated. By the end of freshman year, Nina and I just drifted to our own things. We weren't the tight friends like our mothers were and still are to a point.
The Bunch expanded and subtracted members throughout the years. Some of its core members are long gone. According to one of the bunch that I used to be friends with but lost touch with, Brian and the Bunch had a falling out and is now in Vegas. The Bunch happen to still be in Southern Cali, still in Irvine/ Orange County-ish area, Prime California red country to me. The Bunch is now going through the last of the weddings where Marilyn and Sunny are getting hitched after 14 years together and Rob is the last to get hitched to a nice gal next year. Rob and Nina didn't get married. In fact, Nina is married to someone else and is expecting her first child any moment now. Now the bunch is in children making mode and home buying mode, one of those things that so make me scratch my head.
I guess some folks have their own patchwork of friends to call their own. It doesn't necessarily have to look like the cast of "Friends" or any sit-com/ fictional achetype. What counts are the moments and the effort of keeping those friendships firm and strong and alive. Life does throw us its curb balls and gives us hoops to jump through and swings to catch. But, in many ways, our friends serve as that safety net. Whether it is with the ones you grew up with or went to college with, they are always there for you as the theme song shinily promises.
Animal Soup
Here's a random jumble of thoughts going through my mind at this moment...
Chino Taqueria on 35th Ave and Balboa...pretty good joint; they still charge for chips which in my eyes is not a sign of a true taqueria; no fancy salsa bar but just good old fashioned burritos with the basics. Went for the Super Burrito which contains meat, rice, beans, cheese (EEEK!), sour cream, guac, and salsa. I say eek to cheese because according to one of my mentors who spent her childhood in Mexico, real burritos don't have cheese in them. I went through that no cheese phase until well, I dunno, I kinda missed it. Defintely a good walk and better than Gordo's down the street.
***
What is it about guys and electronic toys? Does it still go with the adage of he who has the most toys wins? Use some fucking imagination to keep yourself entertained and do include others in your creative genuius. The most classic games and forms of entertainment involve others. I have no need to watch TV on my cell phone. Shoot, I even think TV is stupid and insipid. It's more fun when you have a gaggle of friends around and some good snacks or booze. Of course, one must have their Boob Tube guilty pleasure; mine happens to be "Project Runway" on Bravo and "Two-A-Days" on MTV. Yep, fashion and high school football.
***
Guys who are over 25 and still skateboarding do not deserve to be called men; they are declared idiots.
***
Just because one has stayed in the apartment longer than the other tenents does not mean you take up all the closet storage space.
***
So if New York New York casino in Las Vegas is supposed to be like Manhattan and its four other boroughs (sorry to all those in Bronyx, Brooklyn, Queens and Stanten Island), I want my cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery, a real Jewish deli like Zabars, and bagels that you actually boil. Oh yeah, and serve that coffee in those blue paper cups with the Greek font writing on the cup.
***
Speaking of Manhattan, I wonder if the Shanghai dumpling place serves dumplings like the ones at Joe Shanghai in New York Chinatown? Oh slurp slurp goodness!!! Even thinking about Shanghai style steamed pork dumplings make me high; you know that contact high that you get when you have hot savory liquids flush through your system...
***
I miss my bike tremendously.
***
I saw someone's stash of golf clubs in the apartment hallway. I am reminded of you.
***
I don't know if I'll be going back to Chi-town anytime soon. Reminds me too much of you.
***
I wonder if I'll end up settling down and creating my own zoo of animals with that person's semen anytime soon?
***
I don't know if it's worth having my eggs for sale. If people don't like them, tough shit.
***
I am totally fascinated with the Levi's commericial where the guy and girl walk from opposite ends of the city and meet each other in the middle of traffic all while Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash croon, "I Walk The Line"; I wonder if my guy would do that?
***
On that note, the best snack is always seasonal fruit; I'm just waiting for the apples to come from the farm now and enjoying melons and grapes and the last of stone fruits
From A to B to C- But In Which Direction?
I always thought life just went linearly. You know- you're born, go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, graduate from college, get a job, fall in love, get married, have children and then rinse and repeat.
Sure these are stops in the destinations in life. Yet there is not exact time table nor route that tells you in which order or sequence these things go into.
Such is the beauty and the frustration in life.
As you know right now, I am in a quandry of what I want to do next. How is it that I can concieve big goals and dreams but when it comes to practical stuff, I fall short?
Wish there was a course on this. If there is a crash course on practicality and living the here and now, sign me up!
Here's a Little Story
Something entertaining for your Labor Day weekend. Based on a true story.
A few years ago, A met B on a bicycle ride. A was a sweet twenty something gal who finished her first major bike ride that summer and was recently recovering from a serious bicycle accident. B who was a thirty something guy happened to be a former bike racer back in his college days that just recently moved to the Bay Area from the East Coast. A commented to one of her friends that B was pretty cute. A's friend cheerfuly replied, "And he plays for your team!" which meant to A that B was a nice straight lad. He was handsome and whitty but a little distant at times.
A had a few of her friends train for this major bike ride happening in May. One of her friends, C, happened to know B. One time during a Sunday downpour, A called C to see how he was doing and wanted to bitch about the weather. C mentioned during the phone call that he and B were going to go riding but didn't because of the rain and B wanted to find a good restaurant for Filipino food.
A knew that there were very few Filipino restuarants in the City. She knew that the best places to get some home cooking were either at a friend's house where their mother served up a tasty meal or after Sunday Mass in some Catholic church in Daly City or South of Market. She e-mailed B about her suggestions and wondered if he and C want to grab a bite to eat. Well, something else happened on the day that A, B and C were going to go on their Filipino culinary adventure. So A and B rescheduled lunch for the following week. A wondered if C should know too but B just wanted himself and A to have lunch.
So A and B go on a lunch date in some hole in the wall Filipino place near Union Square. They then went for ice cream and they walked towards the building where B worked. Out of the blue, B kissed A goodbye on the lips and went in. A stood there for a minute, baffled, and literally skipped down the street to wait for the 14 Mission bus yelling, "Wheeeeee!" on top of her lungs. She really liked B.
However, she was paralyzed with fear. She had just come off a really bad breakup around the time of her bike accident and was pretty shaken up by that. She wasn't sure if B was the type of person to be around and trustworthy. It so happens that B had some issues of his own where he had come off a real bad breakup too where his girlfriend literally walked out on him some time ago when he moved to the West Coast. A and B just decided to just take things as they were and both of them vocalized their fears. B was very supportive of A in her dreams and endeavors and was very encouraging, a refreshing change from her nagging parents who thought and still think, she is crazy.
A and B just figured to be friends even though B still kissed her on the lips from time to time. A was just totally mad about B even though B had odd ideas. One time, B bleached his hair totally blonde which really conflicted with his olive skin tone. Actually before B did this crazy thing, A asked her hairstylist about bleaching her hair since she had the same hair and skin tone as B. A's hairstylist said that A would look like a whore if she did that. So when B did the bleach job, it just didn't look too great on him. B and A had their moments on the bike ride. At one time, A got really sick and B was there to be by her side.
Even though A really liked B, she wanted to make the best of their friendship. However, B was the type of person not to really reveal too much of themselves. B would tell A about his childhood and growing up in the East Coast and in Asia during the summers. B was really supportive of A going for her dreams and constantly asked her about it. A was someone not too shy about revealing things. However, their friendship changed when B and A were laid off around the same time. B was angry at A for just going off to visit her family during a time when her family needed extra support. A was angry at B for not understanding that her family was important even though they did not get along. It wasn't until later that A's friends who knew B told her that B was not worth keeping around. They warned her but she was totally mad about B. I wouldn't say in love but more obsessed. Even today, A admits to that and wonder what she saw in B.
Well, time passed. Things changed. A and B didn't really talk any more. B was dating a new gal D and A was busy with work. When A found out B was dating D from her friend E, she was pretty upset. She was even more upset when she saw D partcipating in the same bike ride as A. To make matters worse, B was with D helping her out. E was trying to tell A that B was not a good guy for her. She got mad at E for saying that. By then, A and B were not really speaking to each other. Some things had transpired that just made B not want to talk to A anymore.
Just recently, A found out that B and D got married. In retrospect, she knew that her and B would not be a couple that would last. A found out a lot of things about B that she really didn't like and realized that they would not make a great couple. Maybe her attraction to B was based on the fact that he was supportive of some of her dreams. Yet, at the same time, he was very closed off to a lot of people. One of A's friends even commented that B kept his cards very close to his chest. A knew that B had a difficult time growing up and wasn't too close with his family and was a fairly odd fellow.
A wishes B and D much happiness. In her own mind, A would never thought B would be the type to marry. She even doubted that she and B would even marry. Much the less, A still wonders why to this day she ever fell for B even though he wasn't right for her all along.
And still to this day, A's first kiss from B is something that still makes her skip and yell, "Wheeeeee!" on top of her lungs.
