Life's Next Chapter: Major Capital Campaigns
In the next few days, I'm moving. Luckily, it's just one flight down and I'm in the same neighborhood. It's a boon for me because the room I'm getting is a little sunnier. Yes, I will miss my view of the Golden Gate Bridge and St. Ignatius Cathedral when I want to journal in the living room but the good thing is that now I don't have to hear my upstairs neighbor have major sex more often than rabbits.
So as part of me sorts out the rest of my stuff and cleans out the apartment- my three other roommates have slowly vacated the premises in the last few months- I look at what more do I need to discard and get rid of. A huge pile of laundry is staring me down big time. I look at the mirror and my hair is at some odd length and texture from trying to grow out of its short stage. And somehow, my usual hipster look is not really fitting me anymore.
Maybe because I'm breaking away from the ugly wage per hour kind of deal that I had in my time in retail. Maybe it's because now I really want to grow up and go after my things to do with policy and politics and other things. I sense a shift of wanting to grow but afraid to let go of the major things and feeling that, well, if I throw out a lot of major things, there will be nothing to replace it. That starting out of nothing feeling and finding yourself you can't really grow because of limited income and other things. I seriously want to get out of that feeling and just let myself grow into the things slowly. Like letting my faith grow in adult way, letting my kid side and adult side not be at war with each other, let my Asian identity evolve into something that I like and truly deserve, and actually start living like a human "being" instead of a human "doing"- trying to achieve so that I would get some sort of acceptance.
This month has not been the best of months but in a way, it has been good for me to really keep to myself and let myself think and grow. I have been sleeping a lot and eating wierd but maybe it's that kind of "winter" hibernation and the breaking down of the larvae in the coccon feeling that I needed to experience to come to some of these conclusions. That hipster me is no longer needed, don't really need too many shirts to really say who I really am, and well, maybe, just maybe, the hoodie can say "bye bye". The hard part is seeing what my look and life can evolve into but maybe I should just take in the words from a song from the musical, "Godspell" and just take it "day by day".
Zha Zha Zoolander
I was browsing in a few blogs that I read regularly. I found out that someone I knew from college found a real slick and cute way to propose to his girlfriend. As I read this little vingette, part of me wasn't surprised. He was the type to be hella cutsie and romantic and kind of pull it off in a big way. After all, he did date my roommate during my freshman year of college. More bluntly put, he practically camped out in our dorm when he did have his own apartment with roommates off campus. People wondered if I got really busy with sorority stuff because I was never around. That was partially true. The other part was that the two of them would be doing whatever they do the whole time.
So he's the last of the folks I knew from my freshman year of college to get married and jump the broom. From that little clique, there is one FINALLY tying the knot after being together for practically half their lives- they met freshman year of college, got engaged the beginning of the millenium and now getting married this fall. The whole idea of coupling and domesticity has eluded me. I'm not feeling really left out right now. I'm kind of liking the idea of in some of my friends, being the last of the singles. Most of my other friends have yet to reach that form of domesticity or not even strive for it.
I honestly have a practical, no-emotions, bone in my body. No, I'm not one of those folks who are non-feeling. I am quite the opposite. I cry at the drop of a hat and get really sensitive. It's just that I really don't like crying in public and find myself profusely apologizing after a spill of tears. As I hear tales like the one I hear about people proposing and falling in love, honestly, part of me just wants to roll my eyeballs and just say, "Please!" in my most sarcastic tone of voice. Yeah, I guess I have gotten to be quite cynical to love. Maybe it's because it's not on my priority list. I value my friends and getting work done first. The frilly stuff...ick!
Hot as July
I borrowed the title of this post from an old Stevie Wonder album.
I'm glad July is almost over. July has not been one of my favorite months for a long time. Perhaps because so much drama occurs in July the past few years. My grandmother died in July 2002 and Ma and I were in a real terrible row at that time. A few of my relationships only lasted during the month of July. Usually July signals a time for a move, a change in residence or address or roommates or both.
I was talking to a friend tonight at a going away party for someone that perhaps all the stress and craziness of the past few months is now manifesting itself. I have to admit, I haven't been much of the social bee or whatnot. I've been mostly keeping things to myself. Well, being broke is a factor in this. I have yet to be paid for my consulting gigs. I haven't really been wanting to go out and about these days. Ugh! I just want this whole month to be done and over with.
Yeah, the depression blues have struck again. Still restless, having a hard time sleeping, at least eating some sense of regular meals and taking meds. One thing I found myself doing tonight as I was waiting for the bus was naturally listing the things that I am grateful for. One of the nurse practitioners at Kaiser who led the Overcoming Depression classes I took earlier this year said one method of getting out of your blahs and blues even for a moment is listing the things you are grateful for. For now, mine are the most mundane but if I think about it, I truly am grateful for food in the fridge, a place to stay in a good city, a gaggle of friends, and a family that loves me even though they think I'm wierd at times.
I guess once things gain some sort of momentum, it will be all ok. Things could be worse as I muse. But I'm trying my best to not dwell into the stuff that keeps me in that hole. Easier said than done right.
Nick did one great thing for me the other day. He brought over a homemade peach pie. Honestly, that seriously made my day and my week.
Twenty Somethings vs Thirty Somethings
When I was in my twenties, I asked a co-worker who was in her forties if she wanted to be young again. She said no with not much thought into it.
I thought she was crazy. I thought once you got old, you're over the hill.
Then again, I proved to a friend of mine before my 25th birthday that turning 25 wasn't the beginning of the end. About a month after my 25th birthday, I ran my first marathon and told her that her theory of when one turns 25, their life goes downhill was "bullshit".
I've been reflective about my life now as a thirty something. Back then, when you're twenty something, you're devoting your energy that you're an adult, that you can play with the big boys and girls. Sometimes there is some dazzle and awe of twenty somethings running companies and being major public officials and wunderkids.
Then again, wunderkids grow up and then what?
When you're a twenty something, your focus is that destination, that golden ring, that yellow jersey. Lately, I've been more focused on the ride, the scenery, the journey, the people I met, the experiences I have.
Cin and I agree that getting married in your thirties and having kids in your thirties is ideal. At least you have some sense of yourself and what you want and need. You pretty much have gone through most of the crazy finding your niche and identity stage. I know that shifts as time goes on and you have come to realize certain things aren't as great as you thought they were.
Whoever did the Harvard Med School study warning women that their lives go downhill if they don't marry by age 30 is full of shit.
Foodie
Don't get me wrong but I think I've turned into a major foodie.
One thing that I have observed is that when living in the Bay Area, especially San Francisco, you are surrounded by so many microclimates and so many different varieties of food. With me getting on my bike and witnessing different areas where food is grown and raised- from oysters from Tomales Bay to milk at Strauss Farm Creamery in Marshall (home of the infamous Marshall Wall) to the wiff of strawberries while cycling through Santa Maria and Watsonville- I have become more aware and concious of where my food comes from.
Many of you know that I totally love shopping and spending time at Farmer's Markets. With my schedule now coming up with the campaign and other crazy life changes, I decided in this mish mash of change that I would do a subscription box to Eatwell Farms. Eatwell Farms is located in Davis (yes, home of UC Davis where my friend Jenn is going to law school) and they are one of the major folks who are at the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market. Their claim to fame is tomatoes and lavender and sunflowers. I also go to them for butternut squash and sweet potatoes and pumpkins. The box is bi-weekly (you can also get it once a week as well but that is more for one person). I was going to subscribe to them last summer but with all the crazy upheaval from my life, I wasn't able to do so. Now I'm glad I waited because I got a sweet pick-up location in my neighborhood in the Outer Richmond (the pickup place is in the Inner Richmond but at least it's close) and eggs are going to be in my basket. One of the folks at Eatwell Farms is breeding chickens and they are laying really wonderful farm fresh eggs. I have totally become addicted to fancy eggs. It's because I always want the best for folks and my body as well. People do bend over backwards to put premium gasoline in their cars. Why can't they do that for their bodies. Besides, I do want to get back in shape in have some good fuel in my system.
I hosted a brunch with Cin today. It was nice of us to hang out and talk and have a simple breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast. Originally it was going to be a fancy omlet, ensaymana (fancy Filipino cheese bread) and bacon and peaches with creme fraiche for dessert. However, the dough of the cheese bread didn't come out just how I would wanted it to be. First of all, the first time I tried it, it didn't rise. Second, the bowl broke when I tried to move the mass of dough from my rising contraption in the kitchen to a sunny patch in the dining room. I gave up and decided to put the oven on low heat and it was rising nicely. However, I just let it go a little too long since Cin already arrived and it was just some gooey mess that has just deflated. Oh well. So much for that. I do have some butter and some good cheese ready. Now all I need to wait for are eggs.
I splurged and bought the San Franciso Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market Cookbook that came out this spring. I got a chance to have the authors sign it. It has been a fun read, talking about the seasonal produce and finding the amazing stories behind the vendors that grow my food. I really get excited about little things like these.
Having Cin over for brunch makes me want to go and entertain more. I figured that I love cooking as my hobby and passion. However, it's one of those things that I would not want it to become a drive for income, sole source of income that is. Joffer's dinner party last night inspired me to put one on in the future. Maybe a little Christmas/ holiday gathering would be fine. I figured that would be managable because I would be able to focus and entertain since the next few months will be all about campaign, campaign, campaign.
Bsck to the me that I always loved and dreamed of. Or maybe, hello to a new me that I thought I could never achieve until now.
Camp Full of Grace
Nothing like a retreat to the great wide open outdoors to just renew your spirits and think about things.
Just came back from a four day camping trip with some MHR friends. It was a chance for us to click and bond and have fun and relax. I really enjoyed it and it was the first time that I had a real fourth of July weekend in a long, long time.
But now here I am, back home in the City. Amid messiness and stuff. Wondering where things are going to land next. Lots of doubt and wondering and questioning. Why is it still there, haunting and hanging around. Bike in the shop. A little tired. Fridge looking a little empty. When does it all fill up and you will feel OK? Can I get a good night sleep or stop stressing? How and when will it all come together.
