Ex's and Oh's
I have a confession. I still look at my ex's Facebook profile.
I don't know why I do this. Maybe I'm wondering and curious to see how he is. Part of me ponders and wonders what if we were to continue our relationship after I messed up. Part of me still swoons just a tad when I see his photos and remember his good points: graduated from Cal, works as an engineer at Lockheed Martin, Filipino, Catholic, makes me laugh, great in bed, etc. Seems like his good points were only good on paper. Yet I still see what life he is leading and it seems like he never left college. Don't get me wrong, living the college life is great but one of these days you have to grow up.
Another thing that ticks me off now that I think about it was that my ex never introduced me to his friends. I met his roommates but never his friends. I know that I was working at the time he was off at Cal football games and get togethers but at least invite me to come along. Or was I his dirty little secret, a rebound after his college girlfriend dumped him and married someone else from Japan where she is from. I guess I will never know.
I am really leaning against adding him to my circle of friends on Facebook. As much as part of me still swoons over him, I think of the times he has hurt me and have been cold and distant. It's not a nice feeling and I think of all the hurt and anger I carried all these years. It hasn't been until I started dating Rich almost two years ago when I started to let all the baggage go. That and therapy sessions helped get rid of all the garbage. As much as I want to hold on to the good things, it's best to really move on and savor what I have now- a loving, committed relationship with someone who shares my values, is kind, supports my dreams, is funny and all that good stuff.
Home Sweet Home
It has been a long time since I have written something in this blog. I have to admit that journaling has taken a back seat ever since I got sick back in 2006. I haven't found the creative juices or the need to write until now.
Well, for starters, happy 2009 and change is in the air and I don't mean what President Obama has said in his acceptance speech during the 2008 Presidential Campaign. At the end of February, Rich and I will finally have a San Francisco address. I already have one but Rich currently lives across the bay in Oakland. Yes, Rich and I are moving in together. The change in living situation won't be anything new- I practially live over at his place in Oakland and spend less and less time at my San Francisco apartment.
Where we will live is in a three bedroom, two bathroom house on the outskirts of the City. Basically if you throw a rock out of our future home, you're in Daly City. What I see in that home is a lot of potential for us to grow as a couple and perhaps one day, have a family there. First I just have to plug through school for another year and a half and Rich needs to save up.
I'm seeing this change as a good one, and even a kind of scary one. I have yet to tell my parents that I am moving in with my boyfriend. I'm scared on how they would react. Would they forbid it? Would they disown me? I'm not so sure what is going to happen. I have only a few days to tell them in person while I'm down here in Southern Cali. I get nervous thinking about it. I wonder how they would feel about their eldest daughter living in sin? Well, for starters, my family likes Rich so far as I can assume. My folks even gave Rich a little something for Christmas.
But other than those fears running through my head, things are swimming and being overwhelmed. I have yet to figure out how to donate the stuff I don't need, what things to pack in both places, etc. About a good 1/3 of my stuff is in Rich's place in Oakland, mainly my main staples such as most of my clothes, cookbooks, and my bicycle. My books and most of my other clothes and CDs are at my San Francisco place.
For the last six months or so, I've been fluctuating back and forth between places. Before Rich got hurt with his knee injury, we would spend at least two nights a week at my place and the rest of the time at his place. I would spend the days mostly at my place in the city during the week.
I have to admit that my current place doesn't really feel like home. I feel confined to my room since most of the stuff out in the common area happens to be the roommate who has been there the longest. I feel like I'm suffocated in there and I need a change to break free and have some space. I have stuff that I need to store and maybe now is a good time for me to declutter some things. So far, I have gotten rid of my fat clothes. I have a bit of a ways to go to get into my old size 4 and size 6 clothes, mostly my pants and skirts.
Rich and I always dreamed of living in the City. Although Rich's parents now live in Daly City and he had been in that house since he was a kid, he went to public schools in the City. There was a time when his family was in the City limits but that was when he was in elementary school. I didn't grow up in a major metropolitan area but I really want to avoid the suburban life. It felt so stifiling. I'm sure that there are other challenges in living in the City but I'm willing to face them.
I guess dreams do come true.
Looking Back
Eight months ago, I would have never thought that I would meet someone that could shake my core and just change my life. I thought the last man I was with, Joe, did that for me. Apparently he did not.
It was RIch that showed me a wealth of unconditional love, affection, kindness, faithfulness and loyalty and friendship that I never had in any of my relationships. Well, some did but they were not in great amounts.
Joe looked so great on paper. He graduated from Cal. He was an engineer with Lockheed-Martin. He was Catholic. He was Filipino. He was athletic. He was great in bed. He made me laugh. We could talk for hours on different things.
But, good on paper could go so far. I'm not sure why I did what I did that broke us up. It tore me up for such a long time. What remains between the two of us is a very hollow shell. Nothing really there anymore.
Now I have something that is sure, that is substancial, that is real. Something that beats good on paper hands down.
What We've Done So Far
So far in the seven months that I've been with Rich, we have...
1) gone camping in Lake Tahoe
2) seen 3 Giants baseball games
3) trained for the Nike Women's Marathon (he's running the full 26.2 miles, I just got in the half marathon after working so hard to gain an entry)
4) watched two complete seasons of food competition shows (Top Chef season three and The Next Food Network Star season three)
5) gone to a wedding (my brother's in July)
6) gone cycling once (the last training ride of the Cat 2 series of AIDS/ LifeCycle)
I have yet to make him a pie although I have made him dinner the past few times and that has gone over well. I'm looking forward where we don't have to do marathon training anymore and I can make him pie and other things with love.
Missing You
This weekend, Rich and I aren't spending a weekend together like we usually do. Instead, he is in Cincinati running a marathon for his 35th birthday and I'm doing a two-day back to back ride out to the Russian River.
I'm worried for him since he sprained his ankle about a week and a half ago. I told him to just take it easy and not run until the marathon itself. Plus some other things happened to him at work where it has thrown things for a loop. I know he'll do fine in this latest loop that has been thrown at him but I still do worry.
I know I should be going to bed right now. Must get up early. Still need to pack some last minute things.
Wicked Game
Sometimes I'll go to random people's MySpace pages and listen to their tunes while I do things like blog. My younger cousin Ali has some cool songs on her play list, one being Chris Issak's "Wicked Game". I even remember what happened in my life listening to this song. It was my senior year at Redlands High School. I would sometimes drive up around Sunset and the Redlands Country Club which was on a canyon/ cliff. I remembered rainy days. I remembered having a crush on Sean Kenny. I remembered the anxiety of wondering if I will get into my first choice college, UC Irvine.
***
Berlin's "Take My Breath Away"
A love ballad from the movie "Top Gun". It's what Rich does to me at times. He amazes me, surprises me. As each day passes, I see something new, find something fresh that I discover from him. I see photos of us and we just look so good together as if we belong. My honeybun or honbun as I would say. I am his love. He is my honbun.
The End of an Era
Today marks Joe's 34th birthday. Before I would be sad, wishing that I could be there with him wishing him another year of happiness, I do so, my e-mails not being replied to.
Now the sadness is over.
There's something real and wonderful being with Rich. Just spending time with him where he really wants to be with you and loves you for who you are. Not having to be the perfect girlfriend all the time and being on my toes. Where I can be myself. No drama or gore or craziness. All 100 percent pure love without a trace of sugar or sappiness.
Goodbye Joseph. Hello Richard.
List of things to do after AIDS/ LifeCycle 6
1) Bake a pie for Rich
2) Go to the new stadium and watch a ballgame with Rich
3) Go to an Episcopal service with Rich
4) Bake pies and experiment more in the kitchen
5) Go to the Farmer's Market more often
6) Spend time with friends
7) Spend time with Rich
Note there is a thread here. Not that I don't spend enough time with Rich. I just want more time to spend with Rich.
Spring
In my life, there are certain markers that signify spring for me- brighter colors; green garlic, strawberries, dafodils and sweet pea blossoms at the Farmer's Market; baseball season starting up, warmer weather or better yet, foggier days here in the City.
This Spring is a little different. I have Rich in my life that makes me smile and puts the best of all four seasons rolled into one. Just recently, he made some modifications to his MySpace and Friendster pages that totally make me smile.
Another Spring bonus- I found out that my friend Cin is 3.5 months pregnant! I'm so excited for her since her and her husband Kevin have been trying for so long. We had brunch today and seeing that bump on her and her looking so radiant made me really happy for her.
I'm really looking forward to Monday. It marks our 1 month anniversary and Rich won't tell me what he has planned. I wonder what Mr. Lagunte has planned up his sleeve.
